Today is the eve of Little Christmas. Some of you know the significance of this date. Those who are new here can read the full story here. It's hard to believe it has been 15 years since my worst asthma attack. Marina's age marks each passing year. She was only one that night my husband and my father rushed me to the emergency room. I can still see her little face, so scared and uncomprehending. I remember the feeling of wanting to comfort her, to reassure her, but not being able to even speak. The memory brings tears to my eyes.
What would I have missed if that had been my last moment? I know that sounds morbid, but it is a thought that haunted me for many years after the event. To have a second chance makes you wonder what your purpose is. Why am I here? It is not a question that can be answered directly after the experience. But fifteen years later, there is a clearer picture of what I might have missed.
Homeschooling. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of attempting such a thing. Marina would have ended up going to school somewhere. The idea of it was brought up by me after a friend of mine brought me to a homeschooling meeting. I was the one that took on the teaching while my husband worked. The one who searched for local support when I felt so alone in my decision. I might be wrong, but I don't think my husband would have attempted this without his crazy wife to lead him down the path less traveled.
Home Spun comics. It goes without saying that my blog and comic strip would not have existed. No homeschooling, no need for support, no need for a creative outlet for my writing and art. At that point in my life, I was still doing juggling shows and facepainting. It was much easier to balance (no pun intended) my motherhood and other activities when I had only one child. Which reminds me...
Chase and Sierra. Fifteen years ago, we were at the beginning of our journey as parents. We only had our little Marina, who was not even two. Chase wouldn't come until the spring of the following year. Sierra was years away from life. How incredibly different life is now! I cannot imagine a life without my younger two.
I am so grateful I have had fifteen more years to learn to enjoy life and to appreciate all I have been given, from a simple breath to the joy of watching my children grow and learn at home with me. Life parades by in all its splendor. I don't want to watch it from the crowd, I want to fully participate, march along, wave my little flag and make a complete fool of myself. I don't know how long I have, but if the past fifteen years are any example, I still have a lot of living to do.