Sunday, April 1, 2012

My Life's "Blood"

My mother recently introduced me to the BBC series "Doc Martin." I watched the first season on one of the local PBS stations, and I'm waiting for it to be available from the library. I think of Doc Martin as an interesting mixture of House minus the drug addiction with the quirkiness of Northern Exposure. Doc Martin is a brilliant London surgeon with no bedside manner who takes a position as physician in a Cornish fishing village because he has developed a fear of blood.

What I found most interesting was learning why he has this fear. I don't want to completely give it away, so if you want to watch it for yourselves, please stop here and come back after you watch the first couple of episodes. For those of you who know, or who don't mind the spoiler, keep reading.

I'll give the readers who want to leave some extra space so they don't accidentally read the next section.

Everyone here that wants to know? OK. Doc Martin developed his fear of blood when he was doing a surgery and suddenly saw more than just the patient he was cutting into. He started thinking of the patient as a person, someone with friends and family, and in that moment his his fears overpowered him.

I think most of us have this fear of blood, a fear that keeps us from using our talents. My own "blood" is misinterpretation. Growing up, I always had trouble expressing myself in public. Because I was quiet and shy, I looked for ways to communicate without talking. I wasn't a great debater like my brother, or the life of the party like my dad. To make friends, I would draw pictures in front of people to get their attention. I usually got into trouble when I spoke because people didn't have the benefit of hearing my inner thought process before the words came out. If they didn't understand me, I felt embarrassed and said no more.

When I write, I still have this fear. Most of the time, I keep it under control by having Marina and my husband edit my work. I can be somewhat obsessive about making sure I'm understood. Lately, I feel like that fear has taken residence on my keyboard. It keeps me from hitting the publish button more often than I would like. For me, writing has become akin to stepping forward in the dark. I want to know that I won't stumble, hit a wall, or step off a cliff, but at the same time I don't want to stay huddled in the dark, afraid.

Perhaps the only way to deal with our fear of blood, is to face it. It's impossible to insulate ourselves from every situation that might draw blood. That would not be living. The struggle of life is picking ourselves up after each fall and standing again. It seems so simple, and yet it can be one of the most difficult feats we can accomplish. Every. Single. Time. 


Dual Role Grandma said...

Doc Martin is on Netflix. It appears there are four seasons there.

Kez said...

I love Doc Martin - he's such an Aspergers character :)

I have that fear of being misunderstood as well. Especially in face-to-face conversation. I much prefer to deal with people online because I can think about what I want to say, edit it and get it 'right' before I 'say' it. I still obsess about whether what I've said will come out right though, even after I hit Send or Post.

You're not alone :) Hit Publish - I promise you whatever you say will be well received.

jugglingpaynes said...

Thank you Kez. You're support means a lot to me!

Inner Elder said...

Hi Tina, I am so glad you like Doc Martin and that it is leading to deep thought. Who wudda thunk? You are not alone in your fears. And most likely, you are your worst critic. See if you can love yourself the way you love your children. You want them to express themselves and use their gifts. I am always proud of you, when you share your art work and your writing, and just for being you! Loving you, Mom

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